Monday, August 5, 2013

Breaking Up is Hard to Do... But It's Easier When You’re a Vamp

(Note from Vita: Listen to Paul Simon, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" when reading this blog.)

Paul Simon underestimated the number of ways to leave your lover. I can think of lots more than 50 ways to get yourself free.

Of course, I’m a vamp, and leaving your lovers behind begging for more is one thing I do extremely well.

Breaking up is hard to do. Even a vamp has feelings. I feel sorry for my jilted lovers. 
Like Paul suggests, I’ve slipped out the back, made a new plan, hopped on the bus, and dropped off the keys -- all without discussing much. And being coy definitely isn't my style.

I’ve also changed locks, phone numbers, hair color and even cars to avoid being stalked by my jilted lovers.

I love donating to Goodwill. My ex-lovers' shirts, that is.
I’ve sent all manner of stuff back to the fresh ex, from sunglasses to shirts to bedroom slippers – that is, when he was still in my good graces.

When he’s not, anything he was sophomoric enough to leave behind I'll just sell at my favorite consignment shop or drop off at the local Goodwill.

Just last week, I made a pretty penny from a Hugo Boss suit that an ill-fated lover left behind. I went out and bought a pair of vampy purple shoes and treated myself to a nice juicy steak at Morton's.

The problem isn’t figuring out how to leave your lover, but when to do the dirty deed.

I’ve heard of the seven-year itch, but I’ve split that in half to 3 1/2. Weeks, that is. My lovers tend to last around 3 1/2 weeks.

That’s at the point when I get bored and they start to get clingy.

Men who are clingy are like those frogs with suction cup toes. I hate the sound it makes when you un-suction their fingers from you.

A man who’s pompous and all style but no substance doesn’t stand a chance with me. I need a man with some serious substance. I can teach him style.

A man with a gifted tongue has a better chance of sticking around a little longer. And I don’t mean a man who’s a big talker, if you get my drift.

Of course, I give all of my rejected lovers a second chance.

I see how well they perform doing yard work!

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