Paul Simon underestimated the number of ways to leave your lover. I can think of lots more than 50 ways to get yourself free.
Of course, I’m a vamp, and leaving your lovers behind begging for more is one thing I do extremely well.
|Breaking up is hard to do. Even a vamp has feelings. I feel sorry for my jilted lovers.|
I’ve also changed locks, phone numbers, hair color and even cars to avoid being stalked by my jilted lovers.
|I love donating to Goodwill. My ex-lovers' shirts, that is.|
When he’s not, anything he was sophomoric enough to leave behind I'll just sell at my favorite consignment shop or drop off at the local Goodwill.
Just last week, I made a pretty penny from a Hugo Boss suit that an ill-fated lover left behind. I went out and bought a pair of vampy purple shoes and treated myself to a nice juicy steak at Morton's.
The problem isn’t figuring out how to leave your lover, but when to do the dirty deed.
I’ve heard of the seven-year itch, but I’ve split that in half to 3 1/2. Weeks, that is. My lovers tend to last around 3 1/2 weeks.
Men who are clingy are like those frogs with suction cup toes. I hate the sound it makes when you un-suction their fingers from you.
A man who’s pompous and all style but no substance doesn’t stand a chance with me. I need a man with some serious substance. I can teach him style.
A man with a gifted tongue has a better chance of sticking around a little longer. And I don’t mean a man who’s a big talker, if you get my drift.
Of course, I give all of my rejected lovers a second chance.
I see how well they perform doing yard work!