Sunday, September 22, 2013

Binge Sinning in Vegas

Vaping in Vegas, Getting My Sin On

(Note from Vita: Listen to Katy Perry: "Waking Up in Vegas" when you read this blog.)

In Vegas, sinning is what it’s all about: it’s why people come here; it’s the very purpose of this city.

Whether your preferred sin is gambling, drinking, sex – or all of the above – there’s no place like Vegas to stoop to new levels of debauchery.

Las Vegas - the city that never sleeps, because people are too busy "binge sinning."
People flock here from all over the world to “sin” in Vegas, because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

In the city that never sleeps, people get their sin on until the wee hours of the morning, most of them pulling on their favorite one-arm bandit, hoping to hit the jackpot that will assuage their guilt and give them a great story to bring to their friends back home who weren’t lucky enough to join them. Of course, gambling stories are just another version of fishing stories. You only hear about the "big" one.

"Luck” has another whole meaning for men who may not get lucky often enough back home, and Vegas is full of Girls! Girls! Girls! who can be easily had for about the price of a steak dinner and bottle of wine at one of Vegas’ many lavish restaurants.

I love cocktails that come super-sized!
And the ubiquitous, free-flowing cocktails – which you can carry around with you up and down Las Vegas Blvd. in huge, brightly colored plastic flutes, help to lubricate and fuel the lust for more, More, MORE!  

All of this sinning strikes me as “binge sinning” – a sinning rampage that’s confined to the Sin City.

Perhaps the good people who come to Vegas are over-compensating for their lives back home, where they're good, solid, responsible citizens, dutifully paying their mortgages, flossing their teeth and driving their kids to daycare. 

As a vamp, I don’t believe in “binge sinning.”

I mean, why confine your sinning to a vacation or long weekend when you have to cram it all into a short period of time?

I believe in spreading my sins out: sinning on a regular basis. That way, I’m less likely to “binge sin,” when I sin so much, the night becomes a total blur, and I risk getting hitched to some good-looking dude in nice duds who bought me cocktails and helped me tear up the town.

And when I spread my sins out, I can find time in between to pay penance and atone for my dissolute digressions. (I was raised Catholic. Can you tell?)

I just work sinning into my weekly routine: Work Mon. through Wed., sin on Wed. night, work on Thurs. and Fri., sin on Fri. night, volunteer on Sat., sin again on Sat. night and atone for my sins on Sun. ("...That saved a wretch like me...").

Smoking is for tramps.
Vaping is for vamps!
It’s a perfectly balanced sinning schedule that works for this Vaping Vamp.

Of course, one sin that I've vowed NEVER to repeat is smoking. Smoking's a sin that's no longer in vogue, because it's dirty and trashy. Vaping is not only healthier -- it's sexier! And vampier!

So you want to hear what happened to me this time in Vegas? I must admit: I did get a little extra sinning in.

But you’ll have to wait until next week. I’m getting up the courage to confess all. . .

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Plan B. Every Vamp Should Have One.

I Believe Every Vaping Vamp Should Have a Plan B. And Then Some.

(Note from Vita: Listen to "Plan B - She Said" by Ill Manors when you read this blog.)

As a Vaping Vamp, I’m all for Plan B.

I’m also all for Plans C, D, E – all the way up to Z. Because Plan A usually doesn’t work out.

I have a worse case than the seven year itch. My itches last closer to three and a half. Weeks, that is. They last three and a half weeks.

So I can potentially go through half the alphabet in less than a year.

As a Vaping Vamp, I'm all for Plan B. I'm also in favor of Plans C, D and E. 
Here’s what usually happens: I meet a guy. He puts his best foot forward: holding doors open for me. Sending me love-texts several times a day. Buying me little “just because” gifts.

But it doesn’t take long for him to become “real.” He forgets to spellcheck his e-mails. He forgets to pick up my favorite frosted cardamom cookies at the local co-op. He shows up 20 minutes late.

Note to all men: you should NEVER make a vamp wait.

Pretty soon, he’s tripping over his two “best” feet. And then both he and I realize he just won’t measure up.

Now lest you think I am a vicious vamp, I let him down gently. I accept his apology. I never hold a grudge. I smile pleasantly and enjoy the rest of our date, knowing it'll be our last.

Meanwhile, Plan B is starting to look better and better. We're texting each other, and I’m leading Plan B to think that he could potentially move into Plan A position.

Of course, I’m doing the same thing with Plans C through Z. It’s a carefully calculated juggling game that requires the skills only a vamp has. Skills of flirtation and finesse. Tact and diplomacy.

The true test of how well I’ve handled all of my “plans” is the fact that with rare exceptions, I’ve been able to be friends with all of them.

I’ve been quoted saying, “I give all of my rejected lovers a second chance. I see how well they perform doing yard work.”

Well, you should see how many men are working in my yard these days!

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Guess Who Caught the Wedding Bouquet?

Dear Zuri,

Perrin and I enjoyed the rest of our late summer cruise up the St. Lawrence River and around the northwest most part of Canada, stopping at Quebec City, Prince Edward Island (PEI), Nova Scotia and Bar Harbor, Maine.

True to my vampy nature, I bid “au revoir” to Perrin in Boston, kissed him on both cheeks and a delicious kiss on the lips that will have to be my last for a little while (with him, that is), and then hopped on a plane to NYC, where I met Viktor’s plane from Minneapolis.

A few weeks ago, Viktor nursed me back to health after contracting the worst case of strep throat I can remember. So I thought he deserved a special treat, and decided that he would be the one I would invite to be my escort at Allie’s wedding.

My hair at Allie's wedding
Plus, he has been so patient with my world travels and my vampy nature, which he knows he will never change. 

I’ve made no bones about the fact that I have no desire to be molded to anything other than a slightly more perfect vamp, someone along the lines of a Hedy (Lamarr), a Greta (Garbo) or a Bette (Davis).

That reminds me of a highlight of the Friday rehearsal dinner festivities. I had sent Allie Vampsticks (e-cigarettes with no nicotine) for all of her bridesmaids, and she put them into the cutest gift baskets, along with little bottles of lavender Hypnotiq vodka and other goodies.

Zuri, you would’ve fit right in as all of us sat together, all decked out in our vampiest eveningwear, vaping our sleek black cigarettes (with no nicotine) that night after dinner. 

Too bad all the guys who wanted to smoke old-school cigs missed out, because they had to go outside where it was chilly and rainy. 

Allie's hair looked absolutely gorgeous
Allie’s man was a BIT (boyfriend in training) for several years before they decided to get married and now that he’s her husband, I’m optimistic their marriage will last. 

Of course, you just never know. Life is always full of surprises – some good, some bad and some that just leave you reeling, because you never would have predicted them in a million years.

Well, here’s one surprise that I never would have predicted: guess who caught Allie’s wedding bouquet?

Of course, as Allie’s vampy maid of honor, I was forced to get in the group of single young women who stood excitedly and expectantly while Allie threw her wedding bouquet behind her. Naturally, I stood as far back as possible while Viktor looked on bemusedly, no doubt cueing in to what was going on in my vampish mind.  

Guess who caught Allie's wedding bouquet?
No one was more surprised than I was, her vampy maid of honor!
No one was more surprised than I was when she gave that bouquet a huge heave-ho, and it landed right in my arms!

I never heard Viktor create such a ruckus. He was absolutely doubled over, he was laughing so loud. Allie came over with a look of shock on her face and apologized to me and her bridesmaids. But I mean, what did she have to apologize for? I should be the one who apologizes for being such a wedding vamp!

Well, I will just have to prove that one wedding prediction absolutely wrong. In fact, I will make it my mission to simply step up the level of vampiness!