Sunday, September 8, 2013

Plan B. Every Vamp Should Have One.

I Believe Every Vaping Vamp Should Have a Plan B. And Then Some.

(Note from Vita: Listen to "Plan B - She Said" by Ill Manors when you read this blog.)

As a Vaping Vamp, I’m all for Plan B.

I’m also all for Plans C, D, E – all the way up to Z. Because Plan A usually doesn’t work out.

I have a worse case than the seven year itch. My itches last closer to three and a half. Weeks, that is. They last three and a half weeks.

So I can potentially go through half the alphabet in less than a year.

As a Vaping Vamp, I'm all for Plan B. I'm also in favor of Plans C, D and E. 
Here’s what usually happens: I meet a guy. He puts his best foot forward: holding doors open for me. Sending me love-texts several times a day. Buying me little “just because” gifts.

But it doesn’t take long for him to become “real.” He forgets to spellcheck his e-mails. He forgets to pick up my favorite frosted cardamom cookies at the local co-op. He shows up 20 minutes late.

Note to all men: you should NEVER make a vamp wait.

Pretty soon, he’s tripping over his two “best” feet. And then both he and I realize he just won’t measure up.

Now lest you think I am a vicious vamp, I let him down gently. I accept his apology. I never hold a grudge. I smile pleasantly and enjoy the rest of our date, knowing it'll be our last.

Meanwhile, Plan B is starting to look better and better. We're texting each other, and I’m leading Plan B to think that he could potentially move into Plan A position.

Of course, I’m doing the same thing with Plans C through Z. It’s a carefully calculated juggling game that requires the skills only a vamp has. Skills of flirtation and finesse. Tact and diplomacy.

The true test of how well I’ve handled all of my “plans” is the fact that with rare exceptions, I’ve been able to be friends with all of them.

I’ve been quoted saying, “I give all of my rejected lovers a second chance. I see how well they perform doing yard work.”

Well, you should see how many men are working in my yard these days!


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